I have not had so much to say nor felt so incapable of expressing myself in any form as I have felt in the last few months...... Ever since we lost the gift we hadn't planned on, a lot has changed for me. I feel things just as deeply, but can't really be bothered to express myself. Its’ not really that I'm grieving - after all I never really got to know him that well. Even though I was only in the very early stages, at a point where there were more imaginary changes than real ones occurring in my body, I had begun to imagine that he could hear me. I always wanted a daughter, but somehow I knew this baby was a boy. I also knew that I would give my life for that little piece of life growing in me. Sadly I didn't get the opportunity. I only know that God knows best. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be His name. I wanted to call him "God's gift" *. I know that any child that He chooses to give me will be His gift.
I learnt one thing - every single child born healthy is a gift from God above. One can't always choose the date like one can with respect to most other things on God's earth. In this one area, one must learn to say YES to God's will. I was not sure I wanted to be a mother before. I wasn't sure when I'd be ready, but the fleeting couple of months that my gift spent with me made me certain that I'll be ready as soon as He allows.
* Theodora - God's gift